Valheru Rides!

So for some reason you’ve decided to travel to East Anglia in late autumn/winter, possibly because there’s practically zero chance of anything more serious than a light dumping of sleet, or perhaps just straight to Thetford Forest eh? Insert your own Alan Partridge joke here…

Anywho, now we’re back to that time of the riding year, I thought I would don my cap and provide some level of public service to you all.

Number 3 – Fuel on the road.

Coming in from the rear (fnaa fnaa) it’s most people’s worst nightmare but, sadly somewhat relegated due to the competition. For most of us we generally just see if on the road in case of a spillage, or after that first rain after a dry patch when it all rises up to the surface of the road. Not here, there seems to be some form of ward against evil spirits if you slop a good dollop on the road every 5-10 metres, and you will have extra protection if you vary the location of your splashes.

If you’ve ever wanted to recreate the classic Mariokart level ‘Rainbow road’ now is your chance!

Number 2 – Headlights.

Despite lights on cars first appearing in the 1890’s, their use for illumination still appears to be, largely a confusing matter in their general use in this part of the world. The driver coming towards you may have their beams on full so that their overall introduction to you as they come charging down the country is to present what appears to be deleted scenes from Steven Spielberg’s – Taken, they’re not going to dip them for incoming traffic, or when sat behind you. I’m not talking about bright LED’s btw, I’m talking about beams, like it needs its own hashtag #ATBATT or ‘All the beams all the time’. Who doesn’t want a bit of extra illumination in your rearview mirror after all? They can see you, and you can pretend you’re now leaving Las Vegas and have what purports to be an Alien Armada behind you. At least they have them on though……

If I had a tenner on whichever road I am riding, when I came across (or nearly straight into) a car driving without their lights on. In the mornings or at night, it doesn’t appear to matter, doing 70 mph on the dual carriageway when suddenly you spot the outline of a car in front (thanks to Dave with his beams on everywhere), and luckily evade… I can’t even blame the paranoia that they are out to get me as practically everyone in my workplace has had similar encounters. I note that adaptive headlights are going to be law in the UK after December 2025 for new cars sold, so hopefully by 2100 this problem will have been eliminated in East Anglia. We’ll just have to contend with mud covering them…

Number 1 – Mud

Coming first (happens to the best of us) in the top winter hazards has to be mud, by a long way. The whole region is basically a big field (apart from Norwich/Hipstergrad) so it’s literally unavoidable in every way, some will blame the farmer on his tractor, the overloaded produce vehicles, or the weather. To be honest it’s a combination of everything above when a muddy vehicle goes on a muddy road, which as most of our roads are just gravel thrown on tarmac Vs the usual sealed roads you get elsewhere, you can just imagine how much builds up, and often quite quickly. It’s generally a quick way of telling if a vehicle (any) has or hasn’t driven anywhere, as it’s going to be caked in mud. Unlike fuel, which is only an issue when you get that first heavy rain, or when scaring away evil spirits, mud is basically a season. It starts in October and we will be done with it in April, when it’s replaced by dust and sand.

There we have it folks, with an honourable mention to fog here that didn’t quite make the cut. Safe stay on roads!